Please Update Your Bookmark

This blog is now living at http://www.andylien.com.

It originally started as Shifting Piles then diversified into various subject-specific blogs under AndyLien.com as an umbrella.  I thought it would be a good move to make it seem like a cohesive website with multiple pages–each with its own blog–but it really just diluted everything.  By spreading it out, it got really ugly on the back end.  Convoluted.  Daunting.

So, now it’s all living together again on one page…and, finally, with me.  It’s no longer hosted on WordPress, but on my own server.

Mine, mine, mine.

Please make the move with me and update your bookmarks.  I appreciate your readership so…and I promise to never change my domain name again.  Even if I should marry a Rockefeller or someone with a fantastic last name that would go perfectly with “Andy,” I will keep the blog at www.andylien.com so as to never make you do this again.

Yours,

Andy

Day 22 – Making Lemonade

I was feeling really downtrodden after the last weigh-in.  Not only not losing weight, but gaining weight was an indication that I wasn’t following my plans to consume only 1500 calories a day.  There were understandable foibles when there were special occasions and meals.  But, at the beginning of this week, I think I could safely call the holidays “over.”

My Achilles heel has everything to do with two factors: I’m bored and I seek activity and comfort in food.  The two factors are both entwined and independent.

I had a special group therapy as part of my first Weight Loss Surgery aftercare.  The psychological component is the most underrated component of weight loss.  Repeat that four more times and then write it across the top of your paper.  Our therapist handed out a sheet of redirection techniques–what we should do if we are bored and just want to eat.  Where can we find the same gratification and satisfaction that we get from eating?  We were instructed to write down a list of activities we like to do…and to choose from them whenever we wanted to reflexively eat out of boredom.  It makes sense.  Don’t go punish yourself if you have a habit of eating out of boredom by sitting on your hands in the corner of the room.  Do something that is just as nice or fun.  Go check Facebook.  Go play an online game.  Read National Geographic.  Call a friend.  Play piano.  Pick up a book. Go walk your dog.  Come walk my dog.  Chew a piece of gum.  Do something that is pleasant and takes the place of eating…nowhere near the kitchen.  Like with anything, we can recondition ourselves to make that choice first before even considering food.

I didn’t get that when I was 17 years old.  I’m still trying to get it now.

Spending so much time at home being unemployed, I have only too much time to cruise through the kitchen.  Even while doing something (such as watching TV) I may not be bored, but I’ll still seek activity and comfort in food.  I may not have a very large stomach due to the WLS, but given all day, I can consume calories like they’re going out of style.

So, I thought back to how I’ve been successful in the past.  Aha.  I remembered that when I did the 1500 calorie diet five years ago, I had the same problem at the beginning with modifying my behavior…and I did then what I’m doing now.  I thought back to when I’d been successful in the past…in the hospital.

In the hospital after the surgeries, I lost a mad amount of weight.  Of course I did, I wasn’t consuming calories.  After having a surgery modifying my GI tract by way of a nine-inch incision, I had dietary restrictions for my own safety as well as for my intake to be conducive with my new anatomy.  Safety-wise, I was on a clear liquid diet for the first day or two…moving on to broth and whatnot while still in the hospital.  The outlook for dietary restrictions for the months following the surgery (as well as for the rest of my life) would be a soft (baby food consistency) diet for a few months, moving into semi-solids and then solids in the following months.  So, even from the get-go caloric intake might’ve been ZERO the day of the surgery.  Heck, it might’ve been zero the day after the surgery.  Broth and whatnot don’t have many calories and, even when you talk of mashed potatoes and gravy a few months later, being only able to eat approximately 1/2 cup to 1 cup of soft food at a time, I couldn’t have even touched 1000 calories a day for months after the surgery…no wonder post-operative WLS patients easily drop weight at amazing rates just following surgery.

What does that say to me now?  It says quite a few things.  One, caloric intake can be decreased by quite a bit and still be considered safe for a limited period of time.  Some people might go for extended periods of time in a state of fast, but too long is not safe.  If I timed it like the hospital stay, I should be good.  Two, if I can reframe the way I view food while I’m trying to get a handle on losing weight, I’ll be better off.  During this time, food isn’t important–it’s pretty much incidental.  Three, while convalescing from a surgery as major as being sliced open from navel to braline that resulted in a rerouted GI tract, my habits and behavior were completely upended.  I couldn’t walk, let alone wander through the kitchen for drive-by snacking.  I was focused on being able to sit up, not wondering whether or not I have real butter in the fridge to melt and pour on the popcorn.  Though I can’t reenact the convalescence, I can try to ignore food a bit more.

That was then, what could I do now?  How could I try to recreate the post-surgery conditions and have similar results?

By fasting.

My plan: Fast for four days only consuming a drink made of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper.  It’s been called the Master Cleanse, a means of detoxifying the body and jump starting weight loss.  By starting on Thursday, I could do it without many outside activities until Sunday.  For four days, I’m only drinking this lemonade…and coffee.  I’m giving up calories, not caffeine.  (Ever.)

For these four days, I’m forced to stop relying on my reflex to eat.  No overthinking calories, no making decisions, no boredom noshing, no worrying.  Four days of trusting that the calories in the drink are enough to sustain me and I will flush myself of the memory and behavior of food.

Right.  Nice try.

Food has never smelled better than now.  I’m near the end of Day 2 and I almost tackled the people at the food counter at Target so I could have some popcorn.  I don’t even like it that much.  The guy at Caribou brought a sample of warm maple and brown sugar oatmeal to me this morning and I had to hand it off to my friend though oatmeal is one of my sleeper comfort foods. Walking through Trader Joe’s past the Mandarin Chicken samples this afternoon, I almost bit my tongue…I was chewing my gum so vigorously.  My mouth waters just thinking of the aroma right now.

But, other than a few of those such trigger situations, I haven’ t missed food.

Not being able to go to the kitchen for a snack or eat when I want to is like a phantom limb, though,  I miss the action and feeling of eating.  I’m reaching for nothing.  I am stir crazy.  It’s like trying to quit smoking…instead of pacing the floor for a cigarette, I’m pacing the floor for a piece of cheese.  Just one.  I’ll quit after one.  I can quit any time I want.

Gugh.

I’ve been home since 5:30 or so…it’s now almost 10:00…and I’m going nuts, not eating. So, I started a list of activities I find pleasant for redirection.  Top of the list: Blogging.

Check.

Now what?

I’ll make some more lemonade.

Day 21 – The Means to an End

I’m working on behavior modification and kicking off this weight loss with a hardcore shock to the system.  The above picture is a hint as to how I’m doing it.  I’ll explain more tomorrow.

Day 20 – Weigh-In Wednesday

This is tiresome.

I am posting this because I am honest.

-

Wednesday	Day 13	2	8.4
Thursday	Day 14	1.2	9.6
Friday	Day 15	+0.2	9.4
Saturday	Day 16	+1	8.4
Sunday	Day 17	1	9.4
Monday	Day 18	+2.8	6.6
Tuesday	Day 19	+0.6	6
Wednesday	Day 20	1	7

-

As you can see, I’m up.  As you can probably surmise, I’m not sticking to 1500 calories a day.  If I were, I’d be losing.

Thinking back to when I did this five years ago and lost 69 pounds before giving up, I’m going to try to approach it the same way.  What’s different this time is that my behavior needs to be modified…and, to do so, it needs a kick in the ass.

It’ll get one tomorrow.  I’ll tell you about it then.

Day 19 – You Are Watching FATtv

So, I watched “The Biggest Loser” tonight.  It was the season premiere.  I’ve got to say that it was a pretty big decision for me to make; I don’t watch shows on a regular basis.  I don’t make sure I’m home for a television show.  I have a problem with commitment…I’d rather just watch old episodes of “Bones,” “Criminal Minds,” or whatever grotesque human anomaly is being showcased on TLC or DSC.

Okay, I tune in to “Ghost Hunters” fairly regularly.

I’m not ashamed to say it.

Anyway, I figured I’d tune in for Season 9 of what has made FatTV mainstream…with Bob, Jillian, and the poor former “Days of Our Lives” star who just always seemed too chubby.

I’m glad I watched it; I will try to tune in for the entire season.

I saw people who weighed less than I’ve weighed and people who weighed more than I’ve weighed.  Very peculiar.  To look at the biggest woman on the show–a young blonde–and watch her try to climb up and down steps to the scale without the safety net of railings was striking.  I’ve weighed more than she did tonight at my highest.  I was scared to death of climbing down steps without a railing for fear of my body’s momentum getting away from me…causing me to fall down the stairs to certain injury.  She and her mother walked down together, gingerly holding hands, watching each step they took.

Other people might have been watching how her body moved in the tight, revealing clothes…I was watching her watch the steps she was lowering herself down onto, worried.

I’ve had many of the same feelings the people on the show talked about; maybe even all of them.  The relief and excitement over getting help.  The confession that–at age 30–one of the gals has never been in love.  One of the guys has never had a girlfriend, but was everyone’s friend.  One mother who takes care of everyone else first.  The man who weighed in at the highest who didn’t know how much he weighed; no scale went high enough.  A will not to give up; to not be a loser.  A woman who was a sleeper, not seeming to draw much attention but who lost the most weight in a week for a woman in the history of the show.  A group of people who weighed in the first time in front of their families and communities…and who, while ashamed, didn’t want to let them down.

A group of people who decided to vote off the one who had the better support system for losing weight at home rather than the person who might be the biggest threat in the weight loss competition.

I can relate to all of that.

On the other hand, I watched the rerun of “Law & Order: SVU” called “Fat” directly following “The Biggest Loser” and could also relate to the character who felt so terrorized for being obese that he lashed out violently at his tormentor.

How rich the emotions I am feeling tonight.

FATtv, what am I going to do with you?

Day 18 – Let’s Go Out to the Kitchen

Being unemployed, I spend the bulk of my life in my apartment.   I’m working on my computers, cooking up recipes, looking for jobs, hanging with Grendel, watching dark documentaries on Netflix “Watch Instantly,” and all sorts of other things.

If being in my apartment is the movie, it has no fewer than 20 intermissions a day.  At the beginning of each intermission plays the following song courtesy of rachelkillsemo on YouTube:

You’re probably familiar with it…it’s not only embedded on this page, but also in our collective psyche.  It fits right in with the “Hanker for a Hunka Cheese” song and every single McDonald’s jingle ever written.

(twoallbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesonionsonasesameseedbun)

Wanna talk about “viral?”

Any snag of boredom or break from an article and I’m venturing into the kitchen.  If I had actual tasks to accomplish (and I do…I really, really do), I would have fewer opportunities for grazing.  As it is, I need to chew gum for long periods of time until I break the habit of having myself a snack at the drop of a dime.

But, since a normal number of snacks in a day is a very acceptable–even popular–practice, I like to have some tasty but low-calorie options around.  Having been around the weight-loss block a couple of times, I’m aware that low-calorie foods can not only be not very nutritional but also detrimental in terms of our cravings and appetites.  So, I try to make good decisions…I like win-win scenarios.

One fairly large stumbling block to weight loss is portion control.  While counting calories, I truly take a moment and count out the number of snack items in a serving to be sure that I’m calculating my intake correctly.  Sometimes, I’m not interested in measuring, or want to grab something quick and easy, so I have a handy armory of prepackaged snacks lying around.  Here are a few that I picked up today…I’ve only sampled a few so far:

Applesauce. 50 calories a cup, no sugar added.

Cereal. I eat it dry. A little bit of sweet, crunchy childhood-in-a-box. 100-140 calories each.

Kashi Bar. For 140 calories, these things really stick with ya. Great "chew factor," so that by the end you know you just ate something.

Pudding--70 calories for the Rice and 110 calories for the Tapioca. For all the fake crap they put in these, I think I'll go with the higher calorie Kozy Shack natural pudding next time. Yikes.

Oh, yes I did. Speaking of "fake crap," this takes the cake. Ha. Punny. For 150 calories each, I felt like indulging and buying a box today. Just don't indulge 4 times as that would be a whopping 600 calories...and you could be embalmed prematurely by all the preservatives.

So, while I’m trying to change my behavior so that I rarely even  “Go Out to the Ki-tchen,” I’m also being deliberate in what I keep in stock on my shelves.  And, just as a nod to the American Dairy Association, I think I’ll go have a glass of milk right now.  Skim milk.

Day 17 – The Butcher’s Bill

So, how bad was the binge last night?

I have to point out now that a binge isn’t really “bad” or “good.”  It’s a binge.

The amount of food or the type of food aren’t as important as the behavior.  As I said last night, I don’t have really high-calorie items on which to binge.  I don’t have OREOs or ice cream or Doritos to stuff into my face.

But, I did choose carbs.  And, I’d already had my supper…this happened later in the evening:

1 bowl of flax seed cereal with skim milk and about 1 tablespoon of white sugar.
1 piece of toast with 2 teaspoons butter and 2 teaspoons raspberry jam.
1 piece of toast with 2 teaspoons butter and 2 teaspoons peanut butter.
2 mini boxes of Raisin Bran (1.5-2 cups) with skim milk and 2 tablespoons white sugar.
3 slices Velveeta.

I ate those all within about an hour…which isn’t super-fast for consumption, but keep in mind that I have a surgically smaller stomach than others.  And, because I haven’t been stretching it or drinking liquids while eating, it was definitely in no shape to take on all that food.

Man, it hurt.

I hurt so bad.  If you know the WLS and what happens anatomically, you might be aware that sometimes there’s too much food going in and the person ends up throwing up.  It can happen in the case of the smaller stomach and its tighter connections causing stoppage.  Bad news…but it can be handled.  In my case last night, it didn’t feel like the pressure could be alleviated by throwing up.  I felt fuller-than-full…but I kept eating.

That is binging.  Eating to eat despite the consequences.  I was giving my weight loss venture a big middle finger.  I don’t know why…I just wanted to eat.  I mentioned last night that there was a fervor and fever to it–and I almost mean that literally.  I was sweating and felt entirely sick.  I decided to pack it in and ambled to lie in pain in my bed around 10:30pm…and I thought I was going to croak.

You know when you keep drinking alcohol despite knowing how sick you might get or what kind of a hangover you might have to live through?  It was like that.  I knew that my body couldn’t hold all that food in a short period of time at the rate I was eating it.  But I ate it anyway.

Sigh.

That’s all I care to go into right now.  My night ended up with me feeling quite ill for quite some time.  Then, of course, the guilt and remorse set in…then I woke up and it was a new day.

What I need to do is look at why I binged.

What I don’t want to do is look at why I binged.

So, I’m going to call it a day.

And look forward to another one tomorrow.

Day 16

I said I would write every day, so I am.

I don’t feel like it.

I just went on a minor binge in my kitchen–nothing in there was extremely calorie-rich, but it was the fervor and fever with which I ate that screamed of a binge.

I’m tired.  I’m going to bed.  Tomorrow will be a new 1500 calorie day.

Day 15 – No New Year’s Resolutions

Happy New Year!

I noticed tonight that TLC is broadcasting episodes featuring morbidly and supermorbidly obese people.

Genius.

Assholes.

TLC knows that today is the day when people make themselves feel better by making resolutions to lose weight…why not throw a little fear into us at the same time?  A little sensationalism surrounding a sore spot?  A little extra-special prodding for the occasion?

I’m all about resolutions.  I resolved just an hour or so ago to try to only buy organic, local meat after watching “Food, Inc.”  It had nothing to do with today being the first day of the New Year.  It had everything to do with me wanting to make my life better.

But, I don’t fault anyone for making New Year’s Resolutions…just don’t rely on them.  If you tie it to the new year and then mess up, don’t wait until next year to try again.  Wait until the morning, if you want, but then dust yourself off and try again.

Don’t forget that there will always be a reason to put off becoming healthier.  Many of the reasons are very seductive, not the least of which is that transition isn’t easy.  It’s not easy to change habits.  It’s not fun to change how we think…to correct ourselves from thinking that we’re denying ourselves something by not indulging.  It’s doesn’t seem fair to not eat with wanton abandonment like everyone else is eating. It certainly doesn’t make sense to skip something that tastes good in order to feel good…the concrete versus the abstract.  Where’s the instant gratification to that?

Make yourself feel better by doing it…instead of resolving to do it.

Then, notice that you did it…and give yourself a little gratitude.  Instantly.

Day 14 – Foodie Friends and 1500 Calories

This was my lunch today.  I am extremely fortunate to not only have Foodie Friends, but also Foodie Friends who are versatile.  I just-so-happened to be at Joy’s place over lunchtime today and we ended up dining on the lovely plate of carrots, red bell peppers, tomatoes, Napa cabbage, sausage, and freshly made hummus.  YUM.

It’s easy to find eating buddies when not on a diet.

It’s not to be taken for granted when a friend serves a lunch like this…when I’m working with 1500 calories a day.

My new favorite flavor combination: Napa cabbage leaf wrapped around hummus and red bell peppers…it is divine.

Thank you, Joy.

Day 13 – Weigh-In Wednesday

It’s Weigh-In Wednesday.  Now, I’m finally tracking my weight loss in an Excel spreadsheet.  Through the years, I’ve developed both Calorie Tracking Workbooks and Weight Loss Tracking Worksheets in Excel that have automatically updating calculations.  For someone who is bad with numbers, it’s a good system.  Let me know if you want me to send a blank one to you.

This morning’s weigh-in rounded out a week of gaining and losing.

Day	Loss	Total
Day 7	+0.8	9.2
Day 8	0	9.2
Day 9	0	9.2
Day 10	0	9.2
Day 11	+3.4	5.8
Day 12	0.6	6.4
Day 13	2	8.4

–

I’m happy with it.  When you consider that Day 8 and Day 9 were Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and I didn’t have a scale, it could’ve been worse.  I didn’t track calories Days 8-10 but tried not to overindulge…a 3.4 pound gain might have set me back, but a total of 8.4 pounds lost in two weeks is nothing to sneeze at.

I can’t get too down on myself over it.  What happens with me is that if I become discouraged, I say “Screw it.  I quit.”  The negative self-talk starts up and I’m suddenly the worst person in the world for “losing control” and “pigging out.”  For many, many years, I wouldn’t touch a scale.  I was in denial.  I didn’t want to know how much I weighed…let alone how much I might’ve gained over Christmas.  It became this monster that was without definition but always growing because, by not knowing, I always guessed that it was the worst case scenario.  That I had not only gained weight, but I had gained it by leaps and bounds.  Or, heaps and pounds.

Grazing on cheese, crackers, mixed nuts, cookies, bars, and all the dinner foods for a couple of days probably caused me to gain 10 pounds.  I was a horrible and weak person for letting myself gain 10 pounds.  Heck, I probably gained 15 pounds, I pigged out so much.  May as well eat some more and make those 20 pounds worth the gain.  It was probably even 25 pounds.

My mind would spin me so far out of control that I was scared to get on a scale to find out the real figures.  And, the more I thought I gained, the more I ate…to make myself feel better, to be rebellious against my dieting, to show “them” who’s boss, or just because “if I can’t beat ‘em, I’d join ‘em.”  I’d fall off the wagon and stay off…rolling around in the ditch out of self-pity and guilt.  Shame kept me eating.

Now, by making myself get on a scale, I have an accurate–instead of distorted–version of how eating affects my weight.  You know what?  I’d rather know the truth than guess the worst.  It’s simple cause and effect.  I consumed more calories than I burned over Christmas…so I gained weight.  As soon as I had access to a scale, I found out how much I gained, and I got back on the wagon.

The next morning, I’d started losing again.

No quitting, no tantrums, no shame.

No spirals of distorted weight gain scenarios.

No denial.

My Christmas Wish for everyone who wants to lose weight is that each person finds the strength to not only buy a scale, but step on it and look at the number.  Contrary to how we usually feel when we see our weight, I wish that you feel empowered by knowing.  And that the knowledge is comforting, no matter how high or low the number might be.

Rah.

Day 12 – It’s Working

The surgery?  It works.

I don’t know if it was decreasing the amount of food I’m eating by cutting calories, cutting out liquid before-during-after eating, or both (I’m sure it was both), but I feel full faster.

Amen.

Day 11 – Coffee Bliss

The 1500 calorie diet is something to get used to…it’s not as prohibitive or punitive as it sounds.  There’s plenty of wiggle room in 1500 calories and I choose to wiggle right away with my first cup of coffee.  If you’ve been reading my adventures for a while, you probably know that I’m pretty attached to having half & half in my coffee.  And, on the 1500 calorie diet, it might seem that cutting calories and using half & half might be incompatible.  While the concept of counting calories is usually thought to bring about such agonizing revelations as our coffee drink has more fat than a Big Mac, the case of half & half is one that is more welcome than not.  One tablespoon of half & half is 20 calories.  That’s it.  In one of my big mugs of coffee, I’d use two tablespoons…which is 40 calories of yum  and happiness.  I’m not going to give up that slice of comfort that kickstarts my day…or the next two cups of similar comfort.

That said, I won’t sit and drink 40-calorie cups of coffee all day…I may be bad at math, but even I know how fast they can add up against a 1500 calorie balance.  Sure, it’s not a full-octane sugary Mountain Dew, but the same idea behind “empty calories” is there…and is to be avoided.

I first started drinking cream in my coffee when I first tried the 1500 calorie diet.  No kidding.  I added calories when I should’ve been subtracting.  But, the reason why I added half & half was because I am well aware that a good way to get the metabolism going in the morning is to give it something to metabolize.  To me, the perfect I-don’t-wanna-eat-much-but-need-to-start-my-metabolism solution was milk or cream…in my coffee.  Because I shouldn’t drink fluids for 1/2 hour before eating, while eating, or 1/2 hour after eating, I was NOT going to sacrifice my coffee for any stinking food.  So, I married the two and turned my coffee into fuel for my body.  Even better, it’s a fatty-ish food.  It’ll help put the sheen in my hair.

So, there you have it: Paragraphs rationalizing my decision to have cream in my coffee.

It’s a little piece of heaven. And, when my brother challenged my cream in front of my mother, she told him to pipe down as it’s how I get my calcium.

I’ll take that one, too.

Day 10 – Home Sweet Home

I love my family.  I love Christmas.  I love my parents’ home and kitchen.

I love making fabulous dishes for them to eat while I’m at their house.

But, as I unpack and start my laundry, I’m glad to be home.

At my own place, I have have full control of my food.  I only keep certain things around–temptation isn’t a very big issue.  If it’s not here, I don’t want to munch on it.

Elsewhere, there are pantry shelves…refrigerators…freezers…plenty of ingredients.  My playthings.

It is very important to stay true to my goals even in the midst of temptation.  But, at the beginning, it’s imperative to reduce the temptation in order to not lose sight of the goals.  Baby steps.

Day 9 – Using the Tools

So, I’m not gonna lie and tell you that I’ve been counting calories while Christmas-ing.  I haven’t been.  But, I have been aware of what I’ve been eating.  At the risk of sounding like a bitter jerk, I’ve been aware of what I’ve been eating my entire waking life.

See how I just negated anything anyone might say about whether or not I’m giving this the “college try?” 

Sorry.  Sometimes, Don Quixote and his windmills get a little too caught up in their reindeer games.

Anyhow, back to the point, though I haven’t been counting calories, I have been using my tools.  The primary tool I was given by the Weight Loss Surgeries was surgical modification to my stomach.  It’s just a little guy.  And, when I don’t drink for 30 minute prior to eating–while eating–or for 30 minutes after eating, I feel full when my little stomach is full.  I just have to allow it to fill itself.

(Fluid flushes food through the little stomach and the feeling of fullness isn’t achieved for quite some time.)

So, while at my Gramma Ruby’s house, I may not have kept track of my calories, but I stopped eating about 1/2 cup of salad and a 1/2 cup of hotdish into the meal.

Success comes in different forms.  I’ll count that as a success.

Now, if I could stop mindlessly munching on M&Ms, I’d be in better shape.

Sigh.